What do you do when your emotions feel inconvenient?

Something I hear clients and people in my own life talking more often about how they just don’t have access to how they feel. Or if they do, they really don’t know what to do with that. And then once they figure that out, they expect life to just be magically better, as if life isn’t an endless rollercoaster of feeling things and dealing with emotions, especially when it is inconvenient. And I get that because sometimes our emotions feel really big; like if we let ourselves feel them for even a second, we will fall apart and never recover. So, if we are going to talk about what to do with emotions when they feel inconvenient, we have to talk about why it is that way. So, let’s start there.

Before I go further, I want to emphasize that this article is written based on what I have observed in my 10 years doing this work. So, if that is a deal breaker, I get it. What I will say is that lived experience will beat out anything I have learned in a textbook every time. I am going to spend time talking about each emotion in future posts, but before I do, I want to explore some of the barriers are to feeling them in the first place. In a future post I will also address the impact of emotional neglect and how that can wreak havoc on our ability to access our emotions as well, but for today, let’s focus on bigger picture barriers.

I want you to think structurally here for a minute. Who is really being inconvenienced by your honest expression and acknowledgement of your emotions? Whose time does it take away from? What tasks do not get completed if you allow yourself to be in touch with how you experience emotions? If you live in an environment that values and functions through capitalism and is built on violence, the structure that you operate within does not value your human experience. It seeks to profit from you trying to escape yourself, your emotions, your culture, everything that might have contributed to the things that make you part of a collective or individual human experience. This is true of any environment that expects you to perform, be productive, and have output in exchange for your right to life. All of this to say, that the environment around you will lead you to react to it, and that will lead to feelings that often feel like they are not a part of you, or feelings that you wish you didn’t have, or feelings that you simply don’t have time to feel. All of that is valid. Unfortunately, they will probably not go anywhere.

Something I spend a large portion of time with my clients on, is helping them to understand these key principles:
1) Emotions/feelings exist for you. They are your body’s way of communicating to you that something is happening, and it is important.
2) Emotions/feelings can be an unpleasant experience because of what they symbolize or what we associate them with, but they themselves are not inherently negative.
3) Emotions/feelings will take every opportunity they get to be seen and noticed, which is often why you feel they flood your nervous system when it is least convenient (you finally relax and they come running to your door, you’re lying in bed at night and can’t sleep because you are feeling xyz)
4) Avoiding the feeling will not do what you think it is going to do.

We spend so much of our time trying to avoid emotions that we deem as negative, or bad emotions (anger, sadness, fear etc), or just trying to make the feeling stop. We so often interpret the emotion as the problem and displace responsibility from the actual problem with how it makes us feel. It is important to know the difference. When we don’t, we vilify emotions as evildoers, our darkest parts, our shameful feelings etc. Your emotions only feel inconvenient, because the world is inconvenienced by you being honest about having them. If you have a rebellious streak in you, like I do, this might light a fire under you to start feeling them anyway.

So let’s talk about these principles.

Emotions exist for you. Emotions exist, FOR you. They are only ever trying to tell you what is meaningful to you. They are trying to help you prioritize your safety, and your wellbeing. When you feel an emotion, your body is begging you to pay attention to it. Instead, the systems I have mentioned above, force us to abandon ourselves. We tell ourselves we just need to be more mindful, or practice yoga more intentionally, or do more with friends, or be better at work etc. When in reality, what your nervous system might actually need is some focus and honoring the pain or powerful indicators it is giving you to be cared for. So, how do we do that? I will talk more about this in a bit.

Emotions can be an unpleasant experience because of what they symbolize. Emotions are like an additional sense. When we are feeling them strongly, we associate them with other events in the way that smell and taste and touch and sight and sound can be associated with certain signals. If something tragic happens, we can associate sadness with tragedy as opposed to associating sadness, with the fact that something meant enough to you to be sad about it. We don’t take the time to dissect the actual meaning there, because again, we try to self-medicate (maybe we use escapism by jamming our schedules full, or distraction, or numbing). What they may actually require in this moment is reflection about the importance of the event and what it symbolizes to you that led to your feeling how you feel about it. This requires honesty, and often times further discomfort. We have to ask ourselves endless amounts of questions here, in order to identify patterns, so that we can recognize them. When we do this, we learn ourselves better, and can identify what activates us, what helps us feel resourced and safe, while we build on our capacity to feel the emotions under the symbolism.

Emotions will take every opportunity they can to be seen and heard. Emotions are often associated with younger versions of ourselves, especially the loud emotions. If you think about what children do when they experience discomfort, they express it loudly, with urgency, and unapologetically. Somewhere along the way we have learned that regulation is what is important. But regulation exists to keep other people around us comfortable. I‘m not saying run around punching people in the face when you feel dysregulated, but I am saying I want you to think about what it would be like to express immense feeling verbally and loudly, or through intense movement when you feel so inclined to do so. When we allow ourselves to let the emotion move through us, it becomes a process and not a burden. When we store them away in a closet somewhere, it becomes a task to re-organize and try to approach with some level of even keeled plan to make it easier for other people to look at. Regulation is the task of self-policing. It forces us into a state of dilution that makes it hard to ever really feel anything. It does, however, make it exceptionally easy to stay productive and that is the point. If you have ever been afraid of letting yourself feel anything for fear of having to feel everything, you are right to think it may all surface at once. They have been waiting in that closet for a really long time, so when you get a moment of silence, they get really excited to be with you. Will they all jump out at once? They might. That’s okay. But it does not need to be a fearful process if you consider principle one. These emotions are here for you. They are not to be feared. They might be ugly in your mind, but they are yours, and their entire existence is to serve you. That is, if nothing else, endearing.

Avoiding emotions will not do what you think it will do. The more you avoid them, the harder they will pursue you. If not mentally, it may start to take a toll physically. You may feel more exhausted, or liek your capacity for holding them locked up is diminished. Maybe you even feel compassion fatigue for others, or like you don’t want to hear what other people are struggling with in their own lives. You may feel the need to self-isolate, so you can just get your bearings. Maybe your stomach is a mess. Maybe you find yourself daydreaming about going on disability for a short time “just until you can get it all together”. Which, i am a n advocate of taking the time you need to heal, but emotions are forever and if you try to plan time off to feel things and then go “back to business as usual”, you may find yourself disappointed with the idea that feelings are never one and done. Avoiding them is telling yourself that your needs do not matter. That means you might cry in public, or snap at someone, or be incapable of maintaining a public image or whatever else you think you are accomplishing by avoiding your pain. But so what? Like what is the actual worst-case scenario if you are crying in the grocery store on a Tuesday evening? What would actually happen to you? When we avoid our emotions, we are complicit in the structures that oppressive systems have placed upon us. We expect ourselves to lose touch with our humanity, and in turn with each other. We stop caring about people. We stop caring about the world around us. It’s not only self-abandonment, but also abandonment of the greater collective of people we are a part of. We model this for the people around us, and they in turn, learn to self-abandon. The cycle repeats. Time spent trying to just make the feeling stop is time wasted. The feeling isn’t going to stop until you name it and spend time with it. And it will come back.

Let’s come back to the concept that emotions exist for you and how to actually begin to access this. There are several different ways to do this, and I encourage to try all of them either independently or in therapy. The following practices are all things I have actively used in session and on myself. Each of them are things I do with clients, and are a part of my therapeutic process.

1) Somatic work is incredibly helpful in this. I would highly recommend working to build your capacity and expand on feelings of safety so that the feeling are not so overwhelming. I would recommend doing this before you even try any of the other suggestions, as once you feel resourced, you can begin to feel ready to face some of these emotions because you know you will have something to feel supported by from within to help you navigate, process, and heal. This can include many things, and many practices, which is why this one is so important to be done with a professional.

2) Gestalt practice. Sometimes I will tell my clients to imagine their emotions are represented by a character. What are their names and what is the setting? What do they have to say to you? What do you have to say back?
- One way is Art making- You can try to paint, draw, collage or whatever comes to you to create a visual representation of the emotions. This process is known as
sublimation
in creative arts therapy, and it is sometimes helpful to have something to look at while you do this. You don’t need any experience with art to do this.
- Once you’ve identified the feeling, call it into room and say what it is out loud. Identify how it sits within your body, what you feel and where.
What are the sensations, and what do you feel inclined to do?
- Dance/movement/music. One intervention I use often is telling my client to imagine the emotion can drive their actions. I tell them to put a song on that helps evoke that
emotion and allow it to express itself through dance and movement to the song. This is a great introductory exercise to try. You do not have to be a professional dancer.

3) Cultural reconnection and reclamation.
So often, at the heard of our deepest emotions, we experience a separation from our roots, and that is often why we feel lost. I encourage my clients to explore ways that their ancestors might have navigated complicated emotions, and to try to reconnect with that part of their culture as a practice. This is long term and a committment, but it helps people build on their identity as well as connect to parts of themselves and their lineages they may have been forced to disconnect from. If they do not have access to this knowledge, then we explore other more universal ways this can be done.

4) Narrative Therapy & Biblio therapy.
-Write to your emotion as if it were a friend that you are experiencing conflict with. What do you have to say to build toward repair with it. What do you need to hear from
it. Now do the same as if your emotion were speaking to you.
-Identify passages from your favorite writers that explains how you feel. Relate to it, and write a response to help you process it. Whatever comes up for you through this,
let it sit in your body with you. Stay with this emotion and give it the time it deserves to be honored.

5) The cottage and the council table of uglies. This is parts work with a creative spin. While you can do this on your own as a journal exercise, I do recommend doing this in session. I have an entire process for how we move through this, but this is a solid starting point.
This one requires a little bit of imagination. It can be done through writing, role play, parts work, or various other modalities. But the first step is to imagine a setting that feels like it houses you as an individual. In this house, I call it a cottage, is everything you could possibly imagine as safe. What is the lighting like? What do you smell? What can you taste, here, and touch? Is your pet there? Is anyone else there? What does just outside look like? What types of snacks or beverages are available? What keeps the house safe? Do you have locks on the doors? Really visualize the place. The imagine each emotion as being represented by a creature. Maybe it is a monster, maybe it is ugly, maybe it’s a cute thing. How do you interact with it? how does it communicate with you? It is important to remember that no matter what they look like, they are yours. They love you, and they rely on you and when they come knocking the council meeting is in session. You allow them to sit at the table, or in the living room. Is there a fireplace? Is it cozy? Blankets? Candles? Tea? When one member speaks, the rest listen. How do you all interact together. How old are they? What knowledge can they provide you with about why they are here? The meeting ends when you say it ends, and they do not linger, but they cannot wait to see you again.

Emotions are only inconvenient in a system (both globally, and internally) that does not prioritize what it means to be a human. When the focus becomes about what you are producing, and what your output numbers are, you are going to learn extremely quickly that there is no time for emotions. They can be painful, absolutely, but they will happen again. This is inevitable. You can spend life running from them. It works, and if it didn’t we wouldn’t do it. But it will hurt in the long run and you may be forced to face it at some point. So it is better to know how to handle that pain in a way that feels honest and like it honors your humanity, than trying to shove them all in a box never to be opened again. You do not need to have all the answers, part of processing these emotions is learning the answers along the way. I am not saying there will always be time to feel everything as it is happening but I am saying do not abandon the emotion and never revisit it. Acknowledge the emotion and make a promise to it that you will revisit when you can, and follow through. Or do your tasks while you feel angry, or sad or fearful. Cry in the grocery story, be a little snippy, lock the door and close the world out for a night. Your emotions act in service of you. What it would be like for you to act in service of your emotions? What if you could protect and honor them the way they so long to protect and honor you? What might that mean for how you move through the world? What masks would you put down in service of that honest relationship with yourself? What do you have to let go of to get there? What could you gain once you arrive?

Until the next time.